dedication

this lifestyle blog is dedicated to four men. i have only seen each man once. i do not know any of their names. i do not remember what they look like. and i never spoke to two of them.

man #1

human performance ranking: attentive, zero pride issues

scenario assessment: pleasant surprise

location: manhattan, ny

sector: unknown

year: around 2015

my children and i were standing in a subway stairwell, listening to the lightning storm outside. a white man in a suit was waiting nearby, as we all assessed whether it would be dry enough to venture out. God often speaks through lightning, and my son (in all his beauty and sweet openness) said, “God is speaking.” now, this man did not look at us in anger, nor did he glare at us with hatred and contempt and disgust. he stood shocked, with a look of surprise and wonder. i was not bold enough at the time, but if such an occasion occurs again when i am in new york, i will take the next man’s hands into my own and give his hands a loving squeeze. accompanied with a gorgeous smile of course. and only if i am single.

man #2

human performance ranking: gorgeous and gentle

scenario assessment: best dinner i have ever had dining out alone

location: manhattan, ny

sector: midtown

year: around 2009

butter nyc — my favorite non-vegan restaurant in manhattan. i was dining all by my lonesome, when a handsome, white, young waiter came up to me. as i often have experienced in the past, when i dine alone, male waiters tend to spend more time with me. this was no exception. he was an aspiring actor, with an older brother who already had landed a role in a television series i used to watch. (holy people are actually not allowed to become actors or actresses as this is a sign of duplicity and lying, but i say this just to point out sin.) anyways, we talked and talked. he gave me a complement i will always remember. he said he typically has to act and be fake as a waiter while he is serving customers. but he did not have to put on an act with me. he could just be. he could just talk to me. at the end of the night, we both paused, looked at one another in mutual understanding, and i went back to my hotel room alone. the point is that this gorgeous, young, athletic actor could just be himself with me and forget the strain of the world. but it was not me he was at ease with. it was who God created me to be that he was at ease with.

man #3

human performance ranking: a heart that yearns to see beyond the pain

scenario assessment: intriguing

location: houston, tx

sector: harris county

year: 2013

i was sitting in a starbucks reading the bible. a black man started conversing with me. i shared some of my story with him about my struggle with the false church and my determination to follow the bible alone. i was wearing a long, flowing, pink and white, soft, draping dress. when he had to leave, he exited the coffee shop but turned around and headed right back in. he wanted my phone number. i told him, “i do not keep married male friends.” he denied what may have been his wife. but ultimately, he told me he understood and walked away.

man #4

human performance ranking: awestruck

scenario assessment: curious and hopeful

location: houston, tx

sector: downtown

year: 2019

i never spoke to the man. we were in a downtown garage. i was walking away from my car, one floor above him. this white man saw me, walked a few steps, turned his head back to stare, walked a few more steps, turned his head back to stare, and did another repeat round. we were too far from one another to talk. the light he saw in me does not come from me. it is a light and beauty crafted for God, coming from God, and for God’s purposes. he did not see me. he saw God’s handiwork and craftsmanship. this is what he was drawn to.

ultimately, what i am saying is these four men still hungered for Godly hope. deep inside, their hearts still yearned. man #1 and man #3 had not completely succumbed to denying God existed. they had not given up. and they did not hate God’s real children. this is who i write to. this is who i write for. i write for men who want to see. i write for men who want to know the truth. i write for men who want to become immortal. i write for men who want to love and be loved and turn their hearts back to God in an all-consuming obedience. i write for all of us, living in a broken, selfish, corrupt world — all of us who feel something is wrong. i write for those still looking for God. because He exists — you just need to manifest His presence. and we are going to discuss what must be done for this to happen.